Me, Now.

I saw an actual Secada for the first time in my life recently.

I have seen the exoskeletons before, my whole life I've seen the remnants of themselves they leave behind. I've heard them about every night my whole life too, I think, but never before had I seen one. I always only ever saw their shells.

I feel like there is this power in me, there is this force that, until recently, has been lying dormant within me somewhere. Somewhere dark, perhaps, and unexplored. Somewhere even I had never dared venture to seek out.

I don't know why, but for whatever reason, everything is coming together in this odd way inside of me. I feel like my mind is rearranging itself and fitting together perfectly right now.

I've gone through this shedding process... Actually, that isn't where that metaphor starts.

I think it starts where Dad left off.

After Dad died, I started developing this shell. And I sunk into myself.

I went through periods of being okay, but always to be brought back down a few weeks or days later. Sinking into depression seems to be the phrase most frequently used to describe what I went through.

I have been depressed. Yes, I think that is a good word for that.

I'd been crazy. I'd been self destructive, but not in a thrilling or explosive or awakening kind of way sort of like I am now, but in a bad, fucked up way.

I let the shit in my room just collect. I had been yelled at and screamed at and gotten into fights about fixing it, and I knew it would be part of the process, and that is probably why I let it get so bad. I hadn't the motivation to make it any better even though I hated it. And I didn't know what the motivation was, and even now don't exactly know what it is... I dunno, but basically, it was beyond stydom. There was shit piled at the door so you had to literally squeeze into and out of the room. There were moldy glasses and messes I'd made but neglected to clean up. There were clothes absolutely everywhere. Anything new I'd gotten would just be dropped on the floor like everything else. I sometimes amaze myself at the mere ability to function despite anything.

And all of a sudden, I realized. I wanted to emerge. And be seen. And show off this shiny new self that I had realized was there, growing, shaping itself inside of this brown, dry shell I'd created. I was ready to shed. I saw myself and realized that through all the shit, I'd made this new, better, colorful me, ready to be revealed to the world, but most importantly, to the mirror.

And so I cleaned my room. And went to an art gallery showing. And modeled. And spoke of God and freedom.

I am fearless. I have a whole new outlook on things. I know I am still a bit self destructive, but I feel like I have purpose and can better see things. I have a better sense of what I am feeling and why.

I crave experience and independence and love in all forms and fashions.

I crave creation and live insatiably.

I am living fearlessly and excitingly and loving every single moment, good or bad.

Alee cat.